Psychotic Loser

i know i never really got to see her because of family issues, but now i never will get to again and i hate it.. i hated seeing her attached to all those cords and just DYING.. how can people just sit there and look at someone as they die.. i never understood that.. i wouldn’t.. i broke down and cried.. all i wanted to do was message her, message that girl i love.. but i knew i shouldn’t.. i knew it would be a bad idea, that things would go badly if i did because she doesn’t love me. because i shouldn’t love her. because i’m supposed to be moving on.

but thing is i’m not, she is still my person. and i miss her like hell. i hate hearing things and wondering if they are true. i have when things suck like losing my grandma and not even knowing if i can go to her.. i just hate this..

i went on a date the other night and it was pretty great though, that is good right? a step forward?
i kissed someone who wasn’t her..
i kissed someone other than her for the first time in 4 YEARS! it was.. different

i’m not sure how i feel with everything going on lately; my grandma dying, the date, everything with my “so-called friends”…

luckily for me i’m leaving on friday for the weekend up to sechelt to visit Belinda.. it will be fabulous and stress relieving and just… good for me!

(Source: stinson, via ssikaisgay)

but have to, it is really important that I don’t
I’m working on thinking positively and it is semi working which is good
Today wish I totally ditched everyone though..
Belinda came down and was in Vancouver and for some dumb reason I decided to stay and hang with the guys (and Teryhn)
well it wasn’t really dumb, I just didn’t want to miss seeing Monica for maybe the last time before her trip…
I know she isn’t too happy with me at the moment, but I’m going to really miss her..

grrawr:

poly-tone:

It Gets Better.

• Depression Hotline: 1-630-482-9696
• Suicide Hotline: 1-800-784-8433
• LifeLine: 1-800-273-8255
• Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386
• Eating Disorders Hotline: 1-847-831-3438
• Rape and Sexual Assault: 1-800-656-4673

(via ssikaisgay)

ssikaisgay:

Well kinda…

(Source: dykelykeaboss)

Anonymous asked: I feel as though you're trying to convince yourself that you love this girl..Your posts are very redundant. You keep saying you're moving on but the things you post say otherwise. In the end, honestly, the best thing to do in this situation is to distance yourself and move on.

no.. i’m trying to convince myself NOT to love her.. I know it will be better for both of us if I just move on, I’ve just never been good at moving on.. But I know it will make her happy so I am really trying

Part of my mind is saying the same thing Meredith said.. PICK ME! CHOOSE ME! LOVE ME!
But part of me is also saying.. don’t!

I mean.. yes I want to be with her.. but not if that isn’t what makes her happy..
I want her to be happy more than anything.. I hate knowing she isn’t okay, or she isn’t happy.. I worry about her, but at a distance now..
I just really hope life gets better for her and she lives a good happy life :)
i truly love her

eventually-happens:

Pick me. Choose me. Love me. 

(via goforthandshine)

She always said how screwed up her life was.. She would tell me how she didn’t want to change me, how she wanted me to stay the same..
Maybe I am wrong about this.. but thinking about how I want to do anything it takes to make her life better, even disappear, it makes me realize.. she could be doing the exact same thing.
Maybe she is pushing me away because she thinks it is better for me not to be in her life.. She is scared she will just screw me up..
Well either way, I am going to stay away. Because honestly, I just want her to be happy.. Truthfully.
And if me staying away makes her happy, I’ll do it.
I love her, and I always will.